Wednesday, August 31, 2011

How I'm Going to Get Out of the Dark.

Ok, time to get real here, I have a heap of personal crap going on in the background and I decided last night that in order to overcome those things, or better juggle them, was to fill my time to the absolute BRIM, I'm an emotional eater, and with all the moving and the little minions behavior reacting to the unstableness of it all, I am but a shadow of myself emotionally...a hopeless wreck if you will...but I'm not going to let myself sit around and just give over to the dark.

As most of you know, if you have been reading for a while, I battle with depression every other day, I'm no longer on Meds for it, but that was my personal choice, I chose art as my drug of choice..and its working to a degree, but only if I work at it, if I let myself slip..then I slip far and the way back to the light is a really shit-tastic slog.

so this month, in between the moving, the birthdays the everythings, I am trying to get better.
and the only way was to fill my month with epic art journeys...personally couldn't afford to lol but I did it anyway, I'll make up the cash somewhere along the way, this was something I had to do for myself, for my soul.
I know my blogs ment to be this upbeat yay yay look at my art and adorable family...but some days, that is far far from reality. So I thought I'd be honest, as so many of you have left comments admiring my honest writing.

so this month, starting tomorrow... will be filled with the following.

Traci Bunkers, is doing Get your art on again..and since I completed her last round and did so with a spring in my step, I decided I'd play along a part of my self healing.
I enjoyed doing this, it was a challenge but it felt good to make sure I made something every single day, and since I dont feel all that colourful mentally, I'm pushing myself to do it again.

Next up during the month of September, is the 30 Days of Art Journalling with Gulfsprite,
this is going to be a big thing in my healing, this woman has fast become one of the women I look to when I need to get out of the dark. Her work is everything I love, and I know doing this course will just give me a spark..the spark I'm currently missing at the moment. Self medication with art better work, or I'm up shit creek without a paddle.

The last of my prescriptions, the one I couldn't afford but didn't care is Jane Davenports Supplies Me
I saw the video, I checked the bank balance, and I pouted...I knew I couldn't afford it, so I sat there for a few days and felt myself get deeper and deeper, made a deal with myself to somehow pay myself back, and bought it last night when I was at my lowest...
so here I stand...with two art courses, and a challenge, still in my pjs looking like death has come for me, watching my kids drag random empty boxes around the house and no caring.

art has saved me before...there is no reason it cant save me again...if this month doesnt bring me back to life, then it may have to be actual anti depressant for me, but I'll fight it tooth and nail.
If you've read this far, I thankyou.
enjoy your Wednesday...I will try to.
xx Courtney


  1. Oh Courtney I feel like I have a sister in Aussie land.

    I really have no words to express how reading this made me feel. I wish I could give you a hug. I know it sounds lame, but hugs really say "I am there with you and it will be ok" far more than mere words.

    I know just how you feel and my "epic art journey" really has saved me many times. When it all gets really bad I just stick my head, heart and hands into my art journal. In fact I made one of those very pages just today! I am in the middle of painting it right now, but took a break and then saw your post. I just wish I could make it better somehow.

    Maybe as we both cram in some good art things around us will become brighter and sunshine will fill our days again! If not, then we will just keep pushing on because we are survivors!

  2. Wow! Sweet girl......thank you for being real! Its ok to just let go and tell it like it is! I remember when my kids were small and my hubby would travel out of town for 3-5 days every week! All I did at the time was sew! It really helped me.....I did not art journal at the time. Sewing was what I knew....I made fabric bunny dolls! For all my nieces and my many that year! Funny but it made me happy to just be creative! I understand not wanting to be on will get through this! I love coming and visiting your what you inspire me! Maybe I will do this get your art on thing! You are in my prayers sweetie! Hugs to you!

  3. Thank you Courtney for being so honest and real. I am realizing that art is truly saving me mentally and physically right now. When I feel so low, sad and in so much pain and stop creating, I slide fast and furious down that slippery slope. Your words really helped me tonight as I sit here feeling lonely and lost. Thank you so much!!!! You definitely have the right prescription, with or without a doctors note :)

  4. Wow... Good on you!!! You are so strong and brave!!It's a really hard thing trying to fight depression!! I've been through it and occasionally I get little glimpses of it coming back every now and then but I fight it off, like you, through being creative! Don't worry about the cost as it's much cheaper to do creative pursuits than to go and see a therapist... that's how I think of it :)
    I'm sure being super creative this month is going to do wonders for you!! Looking forward to seeing your beautiful art work xxx

  5. Girl you are not alone! I also suffer with depression & have for about as long as I remember. Art pulls me out of myself but I find if I let myself get out of my routine of working in my art journal, I start slipping. I do other art regularly but there is something about keeping an art journal. It is much for personal. Keep it up & don't give up. You are so crazy talented & I may be across the globe but I feel you all the way over here. Giving those feelings a voice & airing yourself out a bit does help & there are so many others out there that you are helping when you share. I look forward to your next post & I'm sending you love & healing creativity. Feel the waves yet? I'm sending them now :) -Megan

  6. Courtney - I am SO proud of you for doing whatever it takes to save yourself. As someone who also lives with depression I KNOW that saving yourself is THE HARDEST thing to do when we are spiraling down. WAY TO GO!!! Money always sucks - but when you bend to your creative spirit and feed your ailing soul it will appear again when you need it - trust it. Sending you love and light and looking forward to sharing your creative journey! You inspire me!

  7. Oh I know how you feel - Hang in there - It will get better, but I know how hard it is to get out of that deep dark place - Art helps me too, but like you - when I slip too much the darkness is at my back. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you can get thru it. Change is not easy but it can be a fun adventure - think of that. Best to you.

  8. Really love your honesty and bravery. I hope your plan works out exactly as you hope it will. Good on you for trying regardless. I'm thinking I might have to join the 30 day challenge. I need a bit of a kick start at the moment.


Thanks so much for the lovely comments! it makes my day to know that Im not babbling to myself!
Ink and Love